Hi Jay,
Thank you for making this space for us gay people. Now, how do I stop making myself so available? What I mean is every time I find a guy I’m interested in, I fall head over heels for them, and then it’s like I become their love slave. I need to stop that
~Break the cycle
Hi Break the cycle,
Your signature is fitting. You should definitely break that cycle, and the first part in doing so is acknowledging that the issue begins with you. You should ask yourself some questions. Why do you feel the need to make yourself available for others the way you do? What are you getting out of it? What past hurts or traumas does this soothe for your emotional well-being? There is something there within you that makes you do this. You have to make a conscious decision to learn to be okay with yourself so you don’t need to use others to make yourself feel validated.
That is really what that is about, your need for validation. You are not alone in this though. There are several people around the world who jump into relationships or situationships or the alike not because they and the person just have this magical connection, and maybe they do, but it’s really signs of codependency. Read more on that, and you’ll see that you may exhibit some signs of codependency. When you feel hurt or whatever other unpleasant feelings you feel when you have started to give more of yourself than you receive, sit in those feelings, feel them and acknowledge them. Only then will you be able to do something about them by changing how available you make yourself.
What you’ve shared is reminiscent of some of the life lessons I’ve had to learn and am still learning. This is uncannily relevant for me. I’ve had to learn to give people the same energy they give me. I’ve asked myself, “Why do I make myself so available to those who don’t do the same in return?” I am emotionally mature enough to know that it’s a me problem and not a them problem. Now, when I feel like I’m giving too much or making myself too accessible, I sit in those feelings of failed expectations or disappointments and know that it’s only my responsibility to “break the cycle”. Good Luck on your journey.
Jay