You’ve long suspected that your child is gay, and now things have been confirmed. Perhaps you are still not sure and you suspect it and want to be prepared when the conversation happens.  Or perhaps it is something you dread and in your mind, you are afraid to say, “My child is gay.”

Most parents already know their kid is queer. This may be true, and it may not be true, but what is true is most parents are not equipped with helping their child when they are hiding their LGBTQ identity. You can support your gay child by showing up for them.

LGBT kids remain behind closed doors in fear of rejection. Parents should help them come out peacefully.

Parenting the coming out process can be a challenge, but it need not be. I do not have kids, and I am certain there is no playbook for parenting in general. As a queer person, here is what I would suggest for any parent attempting to help their child who is struggling to come out to them.

• Ask Supporting Questions
• Avoid Religious Convictions and Conversations
• Sort Your Thoughts in Therapy or With an Unbiased Friend
• Acceptance Is Key

Ask Supporting Questions

No matter how the situation presents itself, whether your child comes to you first or they are outed elsewhere, you will have many questions. Be sure your questions are supportive.

Parenting the coming out process calls for extreme empathy. You may not understand much about being queer, but it will be your duty to find out what you can beyond what your child directly tells you.

There are resources that you can review to help you understand the feelings your child may already be feeling. Consider finding resources or pulling up relevant videos on YouTube.

Empathy will be your best friend during this part of the process. Your questions should not be accusatory or questions that make the situation about your feelings. Believe me, a child is already dealing with enough self-blame and guilt that they have been dealing with for many years.

Consider asking these questions:

• How Long have you felt this way?
• Are there other LGBT people you have been in touch with?
• What can I do to ensure that you feel understood and accepted by me?

I love you, but I just do not agree with your lifestyle choice.

“I love you, but I just do not agree with your lifestyle choice.” This is the worst thing you can say. Do not say it. It sounds like an afterthought or something you have settled into doing. You love your child regardless and if you allow that to be your truth as they share their truth, whether you agree with their sexuality or not will not matter – so do not mention it.

Avoid Religious Conversations About Being Gay

This is very important because you want this experience with your child to be about them and their relationship with you. While religion and faith have their valuable place in anyone’s development, it should not be the rulebook on any type of conversation or support you are providing to your child about their queerness.

This may be tough considering what many religious texts have to say about homosexuality and male/female gender roles, but consider the negative doors this will open. Right now, it’s about helping your child sort through their feelings and establishes trust with you. If you beat them with scripture and religious dogma, you narrow the access you’ll have to their feelings and they won’t trust opening up to you.

Sort Through Your Feelings Elsewhere

This one is for those parents who feel disappointed about their child’s queerness. It’s your child that’s coming out, but coming out is also for the parent as well. No one really considers that its the parent who is coming out along with their child.

Your child may benefit from understanding this as well. It will stop you from unleashing how you feel to your child unexpectedly. Be honest with your feelings. What do you feel when you think, “My child is queer?” If you feel anything other than unconditional love, then you should evaluate your feelings deeply before having a conversation with your child.

If you have a sounding board or a therapist, those talks can help you get out of your initial feelings of disappointment if that’s how you are feeling.

You’ll be better positioned to have an open dialogue with your child. Pride Counseling is an online access point that pairs parents and their LGBT kids with therapists that can help sort through their feelings.

Mom, Dad…I’m gay…

The coming out process is repetitive for us. We would always like that process to start with those we care about the most

Here is where I speak from personal experience. Your child wants nothing more than you to love and accept them unconditionally. Many LGBT kids do not care whether your personal convictions align with theirs, they just want you to treat them well, accept them, and the people they will bring home as their partners over time.

They want you to respond to them the same way you would if they were your heterosexual cis-gendered child. Children want their parents’ love and acceptance. I cannot stress to you how much of a difference it makes when you are the biggest cheerleader in their corner.

You will prevent them from going out into the world to find what they should be getting from you unconditionally.

The coming out process is repetitive for us. We would always like that process to start with those we care about the most. It makes it easier when we have to assert ourselves in the world, on our jobs, and among our peers. 

If your child is gay, it does not have to be the end of the world. If you make it that way, your child will sense it. Be kind and be thoughtful. Be supportive and loving.