Hi Jay,
My boyfriend and I argue all the time, I mean all the time! We rarely have peaceful moments with each other. I don’t know what the issue is. I know that he cheated one time in the past but I thought we managed to get past that. We don’t live together currently but of course, that’s the plan eventually since we’ve been together for about three years now. He speaks about marriage, well, we both do. But at the rate we are going, I don’t think that will be a good idea. What can I do to limit some of these arguments?
~Tired of Fighting
Hi Tired of Fighting,
This is a topic I could speak on for days. You are not alone. Many people are in relationships where they argue a lot with their partner. I know what it is like as well to have a volatile relationship like that. It was not until I met the right person that I learned that it is NOT supposed to be that way. Do not allow yourself to settle for dysfunction. We typically will allow people to treat us any type of way or we allow circumstances to be in our lives based on how we feel about them. Do not do this! You owe yourself better. Now, I know some of my readers will say they disagree because “all couples argue”. This is true. Actually, disagreements and friction help relationships grow. However, it should not be a fight and a struggle to be with someone. This is not okay and it is not healthy for either of you.
Imagine this: You spend 8 to 10 hours a day out in the work world. In my case, 9 hours at work and 2 hours in traffic. I start my day fighting with traffic; then I spend 9 hours fighting with Accounting people about bills, invoices, and accounting errors. After work, I spend another hour of fighting traffic and drivers who near hit me due to texting and driving. By the time I get home, I do want to fight. There should be love and adoration and plenty of affection and peace in your house. If a partner cannot give you that then it is time to reconsider. Think about your day to day activities. You will realize just how much you already are fighting in life. You do not need additional fighting when you come home. That is part one of my response.
Part two says to consider why you are arguing in the first place. Perhaps it can be fixed. Was it always like that? Could it be that you have not gotten over the cheating? Are you being honest with yourself and accepting responsibility for your part as well? It takes two to argue. You and your boyfriend will need to come to the table and discuss the underlying issues. This may require professional help. Do not move forward until you two have done this. There is one last point I would like to make to you. I learned in my bad relationships that love and longevity are not good reasons to stay in a bad relationship. This goes for friendships as well. A motto of mine is “there is only one person in this world you absolutely have to lay down with at night and that person is you”. You do not have to accept drama, hurt, and causes of unhappiness from anyone because they do not have to be there. Learn to step outside of yourself to see the reality of your situation.