I was at a dinner last night with a few guys. Some are single and some of us are not. A topic of discussion began about why is it so hard to develop a good relationship. One guy says, “I can’t ever get them past 3 months without them flaking out on me.” Today, I had another friend say his issue with dating is that he can’t get any consistency. I have a lot of friends, some single and some are not. Among my single friends, I typically hear the same thing: “A good man is hard to find and when you do find one, he’s taken already.” I always think to myself, I’ve never had that problem. In the last 15 years of my adult life, I have mostly been in long-term relationships. My first was 3 years, my second was 4 years and my current is right at 6 years. They all want to know what I do to make longevity happen. How do I keep their attention? I don’t think there is a simple answer to that, not even for me. Most people don’t really have commitment issues. I think it’s more a personal issue with not knowing how to show up in a relationship. Psychology Today seems to have the tell-tell signs of how to spot these types of people.
Face Yourself Through Commitment
I’ve learned that a relationship is a reflection of you, your strengths and your weaknesses. A good relationship will force you to face your weaknesses and the areas that you need to grow in. I think some people just will not allow a relationship to force them to grow. When they realize the relationship is becoming too serious, they may flake out because they are not ready to grow beyond where they are. The more in-sync you become with someone in a relationship, the more of yourself goes away and the more you evolve into a new person. Now for some, this weakness could very well be fear of commitment.
One thing I’d like to let gay men know is that a lot of gay men are slow to commit because for them, committing is equivalent to coming out of the closet. For straight men, commitment could probably equivalent to hanging up their player card (That’s not to say gay men don’t play games either). You rarely hear women say they don’t want to commit. Usually, they are too quick to commit. That’s another article for another day. This is not a one size fits all response, but it is always something that they are either not ready to face or give up that makes people not ready to commit.
Overcome Commitment Issues With Attraction
I remember my good friend, Mario, say, “Every relationship starts off with attraction.” However, attraction happens on a broad spectrum and it’s truly not physical for everyone. For me, I have always leveraged my attraction to someone whether it was a mental attraction, physical attraction or both. I feel if you know the dynamics that are taking place between you and another person, then you should allow yourself to naturally show up in that dynamic and then build from it.
What this means is each side should pay keen attention to the other side. All a person wants when they meet someone is for them to “get” them. Here is what attracted me to my fiance’: he is attentive. He is keenly intuitive. Because I am keenly intuitive, I could appreciate him being that way and it kept me interested. I had zero commitment issues with him.
Is It Them, You or Both?
So the question is do people really have commitment issues or are they just not playing the game correctly? Are you paying attention to the people you date and give them a reason to stay interested? Do you exploit the connections you and the person have so that newer and stronger bonds can be established? The older generations used to call this “courting”. This is foundational because even in a 25-year marriage, the two parties involved have to continue to be and do things that will keep their spouse interested. You cannot stop dating. It can be as simple as keeping your hair cut or dressing up every now and again. If you know your man likes to see a woman in heels, then give him that from time to time. One thing that still makes me smile after six years of my fiance and I being together is when he comes out dressed nice and cleaned up. He may not know it, but a nice appearance is something I value in anybody, man or woman.
This is for both sides, it’s not that no one wants to commit, it’s that no one is giving each other a reason to commit. It has to be bigger than good sex and stale consistency. A person can be consistent in calling you daily but to what extent are they building out their consistency?
Getting to a Stage of Commitment
There is no simple way to get a person to commit themselves to you. If I use myself as an example, I normally just show up as myself. I come to the table, very honest, no secrets, this is me. And then after that, I sniff them out and discover what they like and what moves them. I leave an impression, a positive one. That’s what you should do. Find out what compels them and then go compel them with it, but please be genuine about it. Nothing is worse than a liar and if they view you as a liar, you will further any commitment issues that may be there. Here are a few simple things to consider:
Don’t be argumentative
This is simple. Don’t fuss and argue over simple things. Negative energy will only kill the vibe and the next thing you will see is the person backing off.
Don’t have expectations that you didn’t communicate
Do not hold them to a standard that you have never communicated or one you are not holding yourself to. If you don’t like your texts being ignored for multiple hours, then say that before you give them the third degree about it.
Don’t Have Too Many Expectations
Likewise, be reasonable and don’t make issues out of things that should probably be ignored.
Don’t Be Flaky
Personally, I can’t tolerate flaky people, friends, lovers, family members, all of it. If I am going to be open to you, then I need for you to continue to show me the truth and on a consistent basis. I am sure many others feel this way and being flaky is one of the biggest ways to cause a person to back away. Say what you mean and mean what you say and do what you say you are going to do.
Don’t Be Egotistical
A relationship is hard work, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that it’s all about you. You must remember you are coming together with a whole other personality and individual. You won’t always be right. Check your ego at the door and allow yourself to be open so you can get this thing past a year at least and get to a strong place of commitment.
Be Open, Be Yourself, Be Vulnerable
Alas, we get to the biggest challenge that most face when it comes to dating. For a lot of you, the reasons the relationship is not going over a certain time frame is because you are not allowing yourself to be 100% open. I’m not saying lay your heart on the table, but be open enough so the other person can make some meaningful and likewise, vulnerable connections with you.
If commitment is truly something that is problematic for most people then we would see it show up in more than just our relationships. You would see these same people not showing up for work regularly. Or they won’t have a favorite team, restaurant, etc. People will stick with things and people that make them feel good with consistency, or they will stick to someone that gives them what they need. Now sure, some people don’t know what the hell they need or want. These people are a lost cause and you shouldn’t be trying to make a relationship happen with them anyway.