Can you hear me…can you hear me, now? We all know this well-known phrase from a popular cellular carrier. Have you ever felt this way when dealing with someone who isn’t quite listening to a word you are saying? It is one thing to hear a person talking, but it’s another thing to actually listen to what they are saying. Speaking with someone who isn’t listening to what you are saying can be frustrating and discouraging. It can also feel like rejection as well. We should always make people feel like they have our attention when they are communicating with us. In a world where we are constantly sharing our attention in many different directions, distractions are common and alienating those we are communicating with can be just as common. Let me show you how to ensure that you are engaging your active listening skills.
Be Open to Listen
Before you can actively listen to what someone is saying you should first be willing to receive the communication that is coming to you. The world would be so much better if we learned to do this more often. The phrase, “listen to understand, not listen respond,” is for the type of person who is not open to truly listening to what the other person is saying. When dealing with someone that you perceive you are not willing to truly hear out, step back and open your mind.
- Respect the person you are communicating with. If you don’t respect them then you won’t listen to them
- Understanding what a person says doesn’t always mean that you agree with them
- Set aside your preconceived thoughts and judgments and be open to consider that your “way” could use some adjusting
Demonstrate that You are Listening
In a world where PDAs have become as instrumental to day to day living as shoes, it is easy to not give your undivided attention to someone when they are communicating. There are different types of communication. Someone can be causally communicating with you such as your spouse who is in the kitchen cooking and you are perhaps on your laptop working and you both are having a casual conversation about the weather or about some gossip. Do situations like that require a formal sit down, look in the eye, hands on the table type of participation…probably not. However, if my partner says, “Honey, I have something that we need to discuss, or even if he doesn’t preface it that way, but our conversations seem to turn into something that’s a bit more engaging, then I have to demonstrate that I am actively listening.
- Actively engage the speaker by responding to what they are communicating
- Communicate through engaging body language
- Make eye contact with the person who is speaking, but don’t be intimidating by giving too much eye contact.
Respond Like You Were Listening
Have you ever been on the phone with someone who has poor reception, or someone that has you on speakerphone but they are on the other side of the room away from the phone? This is what it feels like when communicating with someone who does not respond to what is being said. Communication is a two-way street. The word derives from the Latin word “communicare” which means to share or make common. In sharing through communication, one party shares and the other party demonstrates an appreciation of what has been shared through responses that can be measured in many ways.
- Respond to the person who is communicating with you by reciting parts of what they have said to you in your own words to show you understood them
- Asking questions will always demonstrate that you are effectively listening. It also gives the other person chances to clarify what they are communicating. The worst thing is to walk away from a conversation with a different message from what the speaker intended you to get
Goals of Active Listening
The goal of communication is to share a message from one medium to the next. The role of the speaker is to communicate the message, but the speaker should not become hinged on the idea that those who hear the message are expected to agree or take a particular action. What they can expect is for the listener to hear them. As a listener, it is your role to take in the message and show that you understand or are slowly understanding what they are saying. You don’t have to agree or fully understand, but even in not fully understanding, if this is communicated to the speaker, then they will at least know that you were listening to them. Use these listening concepts to make yourself a better people person.