This originally started as one of my private journal entries, but I figured this could be a good advice post. I want to help those who have Words of Affirmation as their love language to identify it with better precision.
If you have this one as your love language, you may have felt the way I do about it at one point: “this does not fit me.”
When I read, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, I left the conversation wondering which of the five languages were mine because at the time, neither one resonated with me. The five are, Physical touch (which I don’t care for like some do), Acts of service (hmmm maybe, only because I am a servant), receiving gifts (I like to give gifts, but I’m not big on receiving them much), Quality Time, (I really do enjoy my alone time, but If I’m interested in someone, quality time is important to me – in doses), and lastly, Words of Affirmation.
**Update: 4/13/2022 – One day, a friend of mine gave me a graduation gift. I noticed I felt good about it. I decided to explore that and I came to the realization that not only is Words of Affirmation a love language for me, but so is receiving gifts. I discovered about myself that being given gifts unprovoked symbolizes acknowledgment to me. It makes me know that I’m seen and being thought about it.**
Let’s unpack why I think Words of Affirmation is my primary love language, but first, let’s talk about why I didn’t resonate with it at first. Words of affirmation as a love language is defined as receiving compliments, being affirmed with words, and being understood and heard. As I’ve gone through my therapy journey and especially with dealing with some difficult situations that have presented in the last three months, I’ve been able to evaluate deeply why Words of Affirmation is my love language.
Let’s trace it back to my childhood. I was bullied a lot. I received a lot of negative attention as a result from my peers in grade school. It was hard. Not only that, but growing up gay in a religious family was hard as well. Everywhere I turned, I was being challenged on who I am. That created a person who does not take rejection well, who is always in need of approval and validation, and who avoids conflict like Covid-19.
When I read this book, I thought to myself that I did not need people to affirm me with words, and that is the actual truth. Someone coming up to me to tell me I’m pretty, which happens a lot actually, or to tell me that I’m smart, or dependable, or loving, etc., hasn’t ever been a feel-good thing for me. I could really do without that and be okay.
One day, I was talking with my therapist, and we got into this subject again. She wanted to explore why I did not resonate with any of the five love languages. I told her I think words of affirmation is the one, but not in the way that it’s defined. Instead of needing words of affirmation, I need the opposite of it to not happen, such as being antagonized with words, or words of rejection. As a matter of fact, I don’t like acts of rejection or acts that antagonize either.
This self-reflection has helped me understand how I show up in relationships today and why I pour into other people the way I do. I’m a servant at heart, but it’s also because I don’t want to be rejected. My love language is “not being rejected” or…being affirmed.
I’m learning now what that looks like for me because the textbook definition does not resonate with me. But the following does though.
For me, affirmation looks like this:
Loving criticism
I actually love to get feedback, but I also don’t like feedback that is unfair or one-sided. I traced this back to being bullied for being gay in the fourth grade. Today, I don’t take kindly to being criticized for something that is out of my control.
Acknowledging my efforts along with my shortcomings
I don’t care to always be told where I don’t measure up without being told where I do measure up. I’m particularly hard on myself, and I can be one to have very high expectations of others and of myself. I think in my mind, I feel I’m putting my best effort out in showing up for others, so when they say I’m not, it’s a little jarring. I recognize that as a part of my personal work. It is also a product of needing affirmation.
Responding to me
This one is important to me. I measure a person’s respect and commitment to me based on whether they ghost me or anything similar to that. How does this relate to affirmation? When you affirm something or someone, you acknowledge its existence, usually in a positive way, but not always. I just don’t do well with flaky characteristics.
Here’s a little backstory to this and for me, it’s an emotional trauma, but that’s what this post is all about: unpacking why affirmation is my love language. My first love and I had a spat, he stopped talking to me for two months. He did not text, call, or return my texts or calls. Because I loved him the way I did, that hurt me deeply. To this day, I’m triggered a little if I feel I’m being ghosted. I usually nip it in the bud now unless I’m trying not to rock the boat with someone. I’d like to think I handle this a lot better than I used to. To prevent feeling disappointed, I just don’t expect much out of people. I give them the same energy they give me, and that’s probably not the best way to manage that, but it works for me for now. Even still, I’m usually giving more than I received out of people.
Allowed to Just Be Me
I’m not one for rules and anything that restricts my freedom. I appreciate it when people understand me and my quirks, my good, and bad things, and not use them as a weapon against me. If you can show up and accept me for me, then you are special in my book.
Affirmation When I’m Not Around
Affirmation is a language I use to help me trust others. So if someone does not affirm me in and out of my presence, then it makes it hard for me to trust them. I don’t want anyone to have an opinion about me that they express to everyone else but me. Also, I don’t like for someone to hold me to an expectation that they have not communicated to me. I will swiftly cut you off if I encounter this. I know this too goes back to being bullied as a kid and not being able to be in control of the feelings and the outcomes of it.
Words of Affirmation as a Trauma Response
I’m sure there are many more ways I can define what Words of Affirmation means for me personally. I believe that our love languages are a product of our childhood and young adulthood traumas. For that reason, I get a little irritated when I hear people put a lot of weight on their love language as the reason to place demands on people. We should always assess why our love languages are what they are and ensure that what we require or how we respond to others is not exaggerated by unhealed traumas.
I think there would be some opportunity to evaluate what needs to be healed. I think my love language is Words of Affirmation because I was mishandled as a kid amongst my peers. As a result, I don’t like rejection and I care way too much about what people perceive of me. Now that I am cognizant of that, I don’t always take it personally if I don’t get the recognition I feel I should have gotten, or if my loved ones don’t text me back. I can choose to be triggered or not only because I am aware of the whys. That’s an ongoing battle, but for the most part, I choose not to get triggered, and when I do, I talk it over with myself and not bring drama to anyone else about my own traumatic triggers.