We stay in situations we believe we belong in, even when they are painfully hurting us. Why do we stay in these situations? Is it because we feel that our sense of commitment means we must stay connected? Getting the courage to leave bad connections can be a challenge.
Let’s talk about getting the courage to leave any situation that you need to leave.
Acknowledge Your Abuser
You probably think I’m going to talk about your spouse, or your boss. Nope! I’m going to talk about you. You are the abuser. You abuse yourself when you refuse to put an end to situations and connections that cause you pain that you don’t have to bear.
Once you realize that no matter how much you complain about your partner, your job or any other bad connection, if you are not willing to do something about them, then those things are no longer the culprit. Your refusal to make a change puts you in the hot seat as the one responsible for your pain.
So how do you come to terms with this? You may not be able to leave a bad connection right away. You many not have the heart to do so. However, you can start taking baby steps to move you along the way.
Set Up Boundaries
Let’s say it’s a demanding job that is hurting you. Perhaps you can’t quit it, but you can begin to set boundaries. That’s what I did before I ultimately decided to leave a stressful job. My first decision before breaking that relationship was to do what was in my power to manage it by setting boundaries.
I had a problem with working terribly long hours to maintain my excessive workload. One day, I decided that I was going to take control of that, so I set a boundary. I limited myself to no more than 2 hours over a normal 8-9 hour shift. My goal was to shut down work by 6 and if I did make an exception, I was to be done by 7. Whatever wasn’t done or completed, I learned to cut it off for the next day.
Boundaries tell you and others what the rules are and what the territory is. If you are in a relationship, and you are waiting on a partner to change a behavior, your boundaries expressed to them may not go very far, but for you, they can. Boundaries are not just for the one causing you pain. Set boundaries that teach you how to respond to the stressor. There may still be things that you can’t control or change, but if you are not ready to say adios, then you had better change how you engage the stressor by setting boundaries that protect you.
Sometimes, that’s truly all it is. It’s a matter of how you are fitting in with a connection. It’s not always that the person or thing you are connected to is all that bad. It could be that it or they are just not meant for you . This means the boundary may be you making a tough decision about ending the connection.
Be smart enough and selfish enough to realize that.
Organize Your Feelings
Nothing helps us deal with stress better than an outlet. Imagine stress is like pinned up energy that is screaming for a way to come out. Those familiar with this site know by now that I am a big advocate for therapy. Because of my background in deliverance ministry, I firmly believe in gaining strength through outlets.
Try meditation as an outlet. Meditation can be executed in several ways. When you think of meditation, do you think of doing yoga or humming with your legs crossed? You probably do, and that’s normal. That is a common form of meditation, but there are other ways to meditate. Here is what you can do:
- Take a walk or a hike in nature
- pray
- journal
- listen to soft instrumental music
- Sit on the patio under trees
- Sit in a quiet room, no tv, no radio and think
- Go for a drive – especially if you have access to country roads
These are all activities I have done when I needed to clear my thoughts and become mindful on a particular solution or action to take. This is all meditation is designed to do. It’s designed to center your consciousness through a process called mindfulness.
In the movie, What’s Love Got to do With it, Tina Turner played by Angela Bassett, used meditation to gain the mindfulness she needed to finally leave a bad situation. Sometimes all you need for getting the courage to leave is to redirect your thoughts so you can focus on your reality and make the right decision. Sometimes you DO need to see how bad your situation is to make the right decision to end it.
Know There Is Better For You
This one takes a little faith. Like I said already, we don’t leave connections because we struggle with our idea of whether we belong or not. If you are anything like me, you tend to commit longer than you should and go further than you are obliged. All the while, you are in a deficit and not happy.
Now that I’m on the other side of my decision to leave a tenured job, I can’t believe how grateful I am that I took the courage to leave. You do not realize how much you are dealing with until you leave it and experience better. This happens with relationships as well.
If you are in a terrible arrangement with someone, lover, friendship, business partners or job, do yourself a favor and find better. You won’t fully understand how much you deserve it and need it until you are in better. You won’t get better if you stay in situations that cause you stress and mental harm.