One day, in 1993, one of my school mates shouted across the playground that I was gay. That day set the tone for the rest of my school year where I was constantly bullied and picked on based on an accusation. I was ten years old.
It was an accusation to them, but for me, it was gut-wrenching because I knew it was true. What mental anguish and feelings of rejection that did for me. That day set the tone for my journey to running from my truth to eventually being able to stand in it, nearly 20 years after that.
Today, I Iive proud and happy as a black gay married man. As short as 5 years ago, I would have struggled to be okay with that.
There is no road map for coming out
My story about coming out as gay is very different from most. When most say they’ve come out, they refer to the moment they sat down with their parents and said, “Hey, I’m gay.” This is not how things have gone for me.
The first family member that I came out to was my sister, my brother’s wife. I visited them in California for the first time, and on the drive back from Yosemite Park, she began to probe me with questions. To her, I acknowledged that I was gay. Her response was one of support, love, and happiness. My brother was in the backseat, and they both have been the strongest advocates and most vocal allies for me and my husband in my family.
Honestly, it was their acceptance that began to build confidence for me with being able to publicly live my truth. I really desired it in my heart. I didn’t want to be hidden because I had been hiding since I was 10 from that day on the playground.
My journey after coming out to my brother and his wife in 2013 was fast after that. 2013 was the year I found my husband and it was the same time I stop handing over all of my identity to the Christian church. My life was changing and who I was hiding was screaming to come out for the sake of my own happiness.
How Did I Get to the Level of Comfort I Have Now as a Gay Man?
Love and acceptance help me to get to where I am. My family has been phenomenal in my journey so far. My mom was resistant, but as a pentecostal first lady, that was to be expected from her. She has since come around to show love, although I know and fully understand her position on who I am.
I don’t put energy into making those I love to accept me. I feel it to be a waste of my life to do that. I just request their respect. I also don’t expect anyone to change their beliefs to accommodate me. I respect everyone’s right to not agree with homosexuality. It’s not my lot in life to make them see differently, and if it is, I chose to do so through my day to day living.
I let the love that I show be a beacon to teach them how to love me. So far, that has worked for me.
Surrounding myself with love and being genuine to others is the secret sauce that has allowed me to live authentically and in my truth. I like to sum up the last 20 years of my life as my coming out story. I always say LGBT people have to come out over and over again. When we start new jobs or go into new environments, we have to feel the anxiety over and over until we get to a place where we feel comfortable posting our lovers on our social media and hanging up their pictures in our offices at work.