Hi Jay,
I don’t know where to begin. So much has happened in such a short time, or perhaps it’s been happening all along. Here’s my issue. I found out that by husband has been having an affair. He doesn’t know that I know. I’ve known for a few days now. I love my husband. He is a great man. Outside of finding this out, I would say that he is perfect. He is attentive. He cooks, he takes me out and when I talk, he actually listens. I thought everything was going fine. What would make him do this? I come from a line of strong women. I have my girlfriends in one ear saying, don’t take that from him, leave him. But my heart isn’t so sure. Should I stay or should I go?
~brokenhearted
Hi Brokenhearted,
I am sorry you are facing this ordeal. Infidelity can be a damaging thing. I get where you are right now. A lot of people will act out of their emotions and not sit and be practical in their response. It sounds like you really love your husband. That is a good thing. I have to admit that I am one that is cautious about putting my all into someone in that way because sometimes that causes me to forget that though a person is my partner in everything, I am still partnered with a human who is subject to make mistakes no matter how big or little the mistake is. No one is perfect and we all deal with some type of spiritual demon somewhere or another. You said outside of “this”, he is perfect. He is your husband, and he is perfectly that, but he as a person is not perfect. Always be willing to give people margin to make mistakes. What I hear from you is that you are likely willing to forgive and move on the best way that you can.
I believe in commitment. I believe that you stay with people with the intent to make things work. Loyal people do not always come out on top. I know a thing or two about remaining loyal to people who have hurt you. You should talk to your husband. Let him know that you know what you perceive to be the truth. I say perceive so that you can go into the conversation being willing to let him tell “his side” of the situation so that a mutual understanding of what the truth is can be made. Let him explain to you why things have happened the way that they have. Remember, this is supposed to be a dialogue. Although he wronged you, you still have to give him the ability to have a dialogue with you about it.
You should stay if you feel that you can eventually trust him again and that you will not harbor any type of resentment against him. Do know that you will likely go through the stages of grief. You will be in shock at first, then you will get angry, you will feel sad, but eventually, you will learn to accept the past for what it is. It is in that moment that you have to decide to move on. Decide whether you want to move on with all of the other great qualities you have in your husband or move on by yourself.
Be wary of your friends when they say “girl, you should leave him”. We tend to react in that way but I am one that believes objectivity still has its role in all situations. Leaving should not always be the only option to take when a spouse cheats. I think that would speak to your commitment just as much as his cheating speaks to his commitment. Also, know there is nothing wrong when you say “I want my husband”. The single life is not for everyone and some people who are single or have had multiple failed relationships will be the first to tell you to leave.
I have an old school view about infidelity and marriage because I believe that infidelity is a lot more common than we like to admit and sometimes you can work through it to keep your marriage. Remember, it is for better or worse and sometimes the worse knocks on the door of divorce. Every situation is different and you will need to ensure that you have weighed all of the ins and outs about yours before you make a decision. Whatever you do, do not make a decision based on your feelings. Perhaps you should take a break and separate while you gather your mind. Make him prove himself to you again. If he really is remorseful, he will do all of that and some. You should also consider marriage counseling. There has to be a reason he cheated that I believe probably has nothing to do with how he feels about you or the marriage. He needs to get to the root of those issues. Once you are at a place where you are no longer in shock and you are not in anger or hurt, then you can make a sound decision about what will be best for you and your family. I pray it works out for you and him.