Hi Jay,
Lately I am starting to get frustrated with the double standards in my marriage. There are many things that he does that he is not okay with me doing the same. For example, I recently had some friends over to visit. When 9 o’clock came rolling around he starts saying it’s time for their visit to wrap up because our son has to go to bed. However, there was a time when his friends came over and they stayed very late. It was after midnight! Might I also add, our son was up right along with them running around and playing. This is a repeated thing. I have addressed it once but now I’m getting tired of it. Help!
-Tired of Double Standards
Hi Tired of Double Standards,
You and your husband are exhibiting one of the classic issues that comes with marriage. That is compromise. This is especially tough when two people who are likely strong minded come together as a unit. There will always lie somewhere in the background this power struggle that wants to rear its ugly little head. You did not say it, but it was implied that you complied with his request to end your friends’ company. The issue comes when he does not give you the same courtesy with his friends. What is going on here is a miscommunication and a misconception of expectations, boundaries, and standards. You stated that you have already addressed it. When you addressed it, what was the result of the discussion? Did you express how you felt only and there was silence? Did he respond? Or, was there an agreement of terms and future expectations?
There will be temptation to disregard his wishes in the future. Because sometimes, we humans display a bit of passive aggressiveness when we are trying to keep peace. We tend to do this the most in relationships. This will definitely create a bigger issue later. It will not be visitors that you will rebel about. It will be something bigger and it could lead to emotional and physical separation. To sum it all up, this is a compromise and respect issue. You two will want to sit down and discuss the issues at hand. Some couples get along really well and they do not have to do much in the way of planning their relationship. And then there are some couples who’s personalities have the potential to clash and therefore those little conversations about boundaries and expectations have to be had. Sometimes those conversations are over the simplest things such as “replace the toothpaste if you use the last of it”. It is like drawing a line in the sand and saying, “this is the agreed upon line; we have made a commitment not to cross it intentionally”
It sounds like the double standard may be happening in other areas that you have not mentioned. Talk to your husband about it and have some very obvious examples to show him. These should be examples that clearly show a double standard such as the one you provided here. Set some rules in place. They may have to be specific to certain subjects, especially if you feel he doesn’t respond to broad rule setting. For example, set a rule that there should be no late night visitors past a certain time. Let that be an agreed upon rule for the house. This may require a lot of work because there are a myriad of other subjects and scenarios where double standards can take place. Address them as they come up as long as they are not petty. I hope this has given you some perspective. Remember marriage is a partnership. There will be disagreements but you will must always be on the same team so resist the temptation to become in opposition one with the other. Always look for a chance to strike a deal.
